


ministry memorandums

by TheBookDinosaur



Category: Harry Potter - J. K. Rowling
Genre: Community: HPFT, F/F, also there are hints of a romance if you squint really really hard, bureaucracy fails
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-04-09
Updated: 2016-04-09
Packaged: 2018-06-01 04:24:18
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 2
Words: 3,601
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/6500692
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/TheBookDinosaur/pseuds/TheBookDinosaur
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>letters spanning the days of november 21st and november 22nd, 1964, which detail the illustrious formation of the Misuse of Muggle Artefacts Department.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. memo: everyone's lazy and would rather form a new department than deal with a problem

_4.16 pm_  
Ministry memorandum, delivered via owl from Minister’s Secretary’s Assistant’s Office to:  
Department of Magical Law Enforcement  
Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes  
Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures  
Department of International Magical Cooperation 

Department Heads,

Urgent meeting requested. Complicated Statute Breakage has occurred, leading to complex and intricate Muggle interference, under the jurisdiction of several different departments. Meet in Green Room #4 to discuss responsibilities and five-step plan of action at 4.40 pm.

Yours,  
Abigail Taylor  
Assistant to the Secretary for the Minister of Magic

* * *

_4.18 pm_  
Ministry memorandum  
delivered from Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes to Minister’s Secretary’s Assistant’s Office  
somewhat creased, delivered to Headquarters via very demanding owl who would only desist in its loud hooting once given treats 

Assitant,

Am busy. Must reschedule.

* * *

_4\. 19 pm_  
Ministry memorandum  
delivered from Department of International Magical Cooperation to Minister’s Secretary’s Assistant’s Office  
mostly illegible, splattered with ink and delivered via owl 

HAVE PLANS SORRY

* * *

_4.19 pm_  
Ministry memorandum  
delivered from Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures to Minister’s Secretary’s Assistant’s Office  
quite neat for a change, delivered via owl notorious for eating letters entrusted to it 

Message received, but unfortunately I must decline your offer due to –  
_[beak marks, rest of parchment shredded]_

* * *

_4.34 pm_  
Ministry memorandum  
delivered from Department of Magical Law Enforcement to Minister’s Secretary’s Assistant’s Office  
mostly legible, delivered via owl 

Can probably make it but problem in upper Scotland may call me away at short notice

* * *

_4.37 pm_  
Ministry memorandum  
delivered from Minister’s Secretary’s Assistant’s Office to Minister’s Secretary’s Office 

Hattie they’re all trying to duck out of the meeting what do I do

_4.38 pm_  
Ministry memorandum  
delivered from Minister’s Secretary’s Office to:  
Department of Magical Law Enforcement  
Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes  
Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures  
Department of International Magical Cooperation 

Department Heads,

I am afraid to inform you that you seem to have misunderstood the nature of this meeting. It is not optional, but compulsory, and I expect to meet you all in Green Room #4 in two minutes.

* * *

_4.42 pm_  
Ministry memorandum  
delivered from Minister’s Secretary’s Assistant’s Office to Minister’s Secretary’s Office 

Hattie I don’t think they’re coming.

* * *

_4.48 pm_  
Ministry memorandum  
delivered from Minister’s Secretary’s Office to:  
Department of Magical Law Enforcement  
Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes  
Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures  
Department of International Magical Cooperation 

Department Heads,

Since none of you came to the meeting, details will be provided as follows and you can decide among yourselves who will clean up the mess.

\- six (6) exploding keychains  
\- four (4) shrinking shoes  
\- seven (7) colour-changing socks  
\- eight (8) Muggles of varying citizenships with varying degrees of trauma  
\- five (5) permanently boiling teakettles  
\- three (3) illegally smuggled dragons trapped inside snow globes

To begin with solving the case, there are four interesting suspects, eight possible convoluted motives and three obvious ones, and six clues which appear insignificant but may later in an inspired moment turn the case on its head and indicate that the guilty party is someone previously eliminated from the proceedings.

The recommended first step is to visit the scene of the event, which has temporarily been hidden from Muggle view; it is known as Audley Square, and the Muggles will most definitely notice its disappearance after a couple of hours.

Please communicate among yourselves to determine who will be placed on the case.

Yours,  
Harriet Oakley  
Secretary to the Minister of Magic

* * *

_4.49 pm_  
Ministry memorandum  
delivered from Minister’s Secretary’s Office to Minister’s Secretary’s Assistant’s Office 

Don’t worry, my dear, they’ll practically be begging for a meeting when they read my letter to them.

* * *

_4.50 pm_  
Ministry memorandum  
delivered from Department of International Magical Cooperation to Minister’s Secretary’s Assistant’s Office  
mostly crumpled, with the air of having been written in a great hurry 

NOT OUR JURISDICTION SORRY

* * *

_4.51 pm_  
Ministry memorandum  
delivered from Department for the Regulation and Control of Magical Creatures to Minister’s Secretary’s Assistant’s Office  
surprisingly readable, delivered via owl which seems to have its Ministry job confused with its Daily Prophet job and demands a Knut before consenting to flying away 

I hate to turn down such an interesting case, but I’m afraid that since the dragons appear to be contained within snow globes they are both regulated and contained and thus are not within our jurisdiction unless the snow globes are broken.

* * *

_4.51 pm_  
Ministry memorandum  
delivered from Department of Magical Law Enforcement to Minister’s Secretary’s Assistant’s Office  
legible despite numerous creases and evidence of owl offal on the parchment 

Unless there is concrete proof of criminal activity or any signs to indicate that this was premeditated and not a series of unfortunate accidents, this does not appear to be within our jurisdiction. Our department is not large enough to take on every stray chain of events which may happen to trouble the Muggle world.

* * *

_4.52 pm_  
Ministry memorandum  
delivered from Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes to Minister’s Secretary’s Assistant’s Office  
copiously ink-stained, delivered via deeply annoyed owl who takes her feelings out on the readily available desk 

Turned around, touched the ground, not it

* * *

_4.54 pm_  
Ministry memorandum  
delivered from Minister’s Secretary’s Assistant’s Office to Minister’s Secretary’s Office  
also delivered: an attachment containing the four previous letters to the Minister’s Secretary’s Assistant’s Office 

hattie help me they’ve all ducked out of it and there’s owl shit on my desk i’m not paid enough to deal with this

* * *

_4.57 pm_  
Ministry memorandum  
delivered from Minister’s Secretary’s Office to Department of Magical Law Enforcement 

As all the departments seem determined to display an equal amount of indolence and laziness, as the largest department it is your responsibility to find a stray employee and put them on the job, and to stop allowing your owls to terrorise my assistant.

Don’t bother replying in protest; I have already taken the liberty of informing the Minister of your gracious acceptance of the case.

Yours,  
Harriet Oakley  
Secretary for the Minister of Magic

* * *

_5.02 pm_  
Ministry memorandum  
delivered from Department of Magical Law Enforcement to employee Warden, Michelle  
also delivered: a copy of the details of the case 

Ms Warden,

It has come to our attention that at the present time you are working within the Improper Use of Magic Office to monitor the Potioneering Guild, and since the other two monitors should be able to keep a handle on the Guild, we would like you to take this case, with details attached. Please attempt to keep this within the Department as the other department heads have shown a reluctance to participate.

Please don’t bother replying to this owl, as I have already taken the liberty of informing the Minister’s secretary of your gracious acceptance.

* * *

_5.06 pm_  
letter on parchment, written on nicked Ministry material  
delivered from Michelle Warden to the apartment she shares with her girlfriend 

I’m sorry, I think I’m going to have to put a raincheck on our movie night. They’ve forced this really fucking weird case on me and I’m probably going to have to work overtime to get it cleaned up before they decide that I’m being too slow and fire me. Don’t bother waiting up if I end up being that late

xoxo

* * *

_5.07 pm_  
Ministry memorandum  
delivered from employee Warden, Michelle to Department of Magical Law Enforcement 

Sir, request permission to perform Forgetfulness Charm on Muggles involved.

* * *

_5.15 pm_  
Ministry memorandum  
delivered from Department of Magical Law Enforcement to employee Warden, Michelle 

Permission denied, apply for an Obliviator from the Department of Magical Accidents and Catastrophes.

* * *

_5.16 pm_  
Ministry memorandum  
not delivered from employee Warden, Michelle to Department of Magical Law Enforcement; balled up and thrown in the vague direction of the nearest bin 

??? I thought you told me to not involve other departments

* * *

_5.17 pm_  
Ministry memorandum  
delivered from employee Warden, Michelle to Obliviator Headquarters 

Request the help of one Obliviator to handle complex case in central London.

* * *

_5.25 pm_  
Ministry memorandum  
delivered from Obliviator Headquarters to employee Warden, Michelle  
owl messenger appears to be confused about its surroundings; attempts to create a nest on Warden’s desk using scraps of paper 

Request granted. Expect Obliviator Hester Linwood shortly.

* * *

_5.47 pm_  
Ministry memorandum  
delivered from employee Warden, Michelle to Obliviator Headquarters 

I was told to expect Obliviator Hester Linwood shortly twenty minutes ago. Please understand that this case is of the utmost urgency and has already involved the concealment of a Muggle area which will certainly cause questions if it goes on for much longer.

* * *

_6.21 pm_  
letter written on a stolen napkin of a fast-food chain near Audley Square  
delivered from employees Warden, Michelle and Linwood, Hester to Department of Magical Law Enforcement  
in the form of a napkin-aeroplane because of a shortage of owls 

Sir, I believe that the mess has been cleared up and the formerly-petrified Muggles have been unfrozen and have forgotten the events of the day with the help of Obliviator Hester Linwood. Taking this into account, I believe that it is safe to now make Audley Park visible to Muggles once more without further delay.

However, there are a great deal of Muggle objects, enchanted by an unknown third party, which could pose a threat to the Muggles, and as such I have taken them into Ministry custody and seek your instructions on how best to deal with them.

* * *

_6.28 pm_  
Ministry memorandum  
delivered from Department of Magical Law Enforcement to employee Warden, Michelle 

Send me a list of the objects

* * *

_6.29 pm_  
Ministry memorandum  
delivered from Department of Magical law Enforcement to Minister’s Secretary’s Assistant’s Office 

Please be aware that the woman on the case has expressed the opinion that it is safe to make Audley Park visible to Muggles again.

* * *

_6.29 pm_  
Ministry memorandum  
delivered from employee Warden, Michelle to Department of Magical Law Enforcement 

The objects match exactly with the list within the details of the case. They are as follows:

6 exploding keychains  
4 shrinking shoes  
7 colour-changing socks  
5 permanently boiling teakettles  
3 illegally smuggled dragons trapped inside snow globes

* * *

_6.34 pm_  
Ministry memorandum  
delivered from Department of Magical Law Enforcement to employee Warden, Michelle  
owl messenger displaying clear signs of annoyance that it is carrying messages overtime 

Deal with the items according to your discretion. I am leaving the office for the evening, any more business will have to wait until the morning.

* * *

_6.40 pm  
a sign taped to the desk of employee Warden, Michelle_

THERE ARE A SERIES OF DANGEROUS OBJECTS IN THE SECOND DRAWER PLEASE REFRAIN FROM TOUCHING THEM

* * *

_6.45 pm  
a list on Ministry parchment, also on the desk of employee Warden, Michelle_

**6 exploding keychains** \-- > improper use of magic department? detection & confiscation of counterfeit offensive spells and aggressive objects? maybe even accidental magic reversal???

**4 shrinking shoes** \-- > same, pretty much

**7 colour-changing socks** \-- > same??

**5 permanently boiling teakettles** \-- > fuckin SAME

**3 illegally smuggled dragons in snow globes** \-- > who even does this. are dragons classified as beasts or beings? one of the two departments, anyway

**the 8 muggles involved** \-- > international confederation of wizards, maybe. or maybe just leave them as they are. three of them came from different countries? refer them somewhere else

* * *

_8.07 am_  
Ministry memorandum  
delivered from employee Warden, Michelle to Department of Magical Law Enforcement 

Sir, I believe that the dangerous objects obtained need to be dealt with as such:

The dragons in snow globes sent to the beast division,  
The names of the 3 foreign Muggles involved referred to the International Confederation of Wizards for further deliberation on what to do for them

However, I am at a loss at what to do with the exploding keychains, shrinking shoes, colour-changing socks, and boiling teakettles. As far as I can tell, there are three separate departments where they can be sent: the Improper Use of Magic Department, the Detection and Confiscation of Counterfeit Offensive Spells and Aggressive Objects, or the Accidental Magic Reversal department. Please advise as to which one I should send these objects to.

* * *

_8.17 am_  
Ministry memorandum  
delivered from Department of Magical law Enforcement to Minister’s Secretary’s Assistant’s Office  
also sent: a copy of employee Warden, Michelle’s most recent letter 

Please advise

* * *

_8.18 am_  
Ministry memorandum  
delivered from Minister’s Secretary’s Assistant’s Office to Minister’s Secretary’s Office  
also sent: a copy of the most recent letters from the Department of Magical Law Enforcement and the copy of Warden, Michelle’s letter 

Hattie??? help

* * *

_8.19 am_  
Ministry memorandum  
delivered from Minister’s Secretary’s Office to Minister’s Secretary’s Assistant’s Office 

come over here, this is an important process for you to learn

* * *

_8.22 am_  
Ministry memorandum  
delivered from Minister’s Secretary’s Office to Minister’s Office 

Minister,

Because of a recent case within Audley Park which I informed you about yesterday, it has come to my attention that we do not have a department which can adequately deal with this problem.

I believe that with the insurgence of Muggle-Wizarding relations, the problem of Muggle artefacts being used against Muggles is one which will only increase, and thus I propose that we create a new department which deals specifically with the offensive use of Muggle artefacts towards Muggles.

Sincerely,  
Harriet Oakley  
Secretary for the Minister of Magic

* * *

_8.36 am_  
Ministry memorandum  
delivered from Minister’s Office to Minister’s Secretary’s Office  
owl messenger shrieks indignantly at the PDA happening in the recipient’s office, and almost crashes into the doorframe in its urgency to fly away 

Harriet,

Your arguments are sound, and as such I approve the formation of a sub-department within the Department of Magical Law Enforcement to address any misuse of Muggle artefacts.

Yours,  
Nobby Leach  
Minister of Magic

* * *

_8.39 am_  
Ministry memorandum  
delivered from Minister’s Secretary’s Assistant’s Office to Department of Magical Law Enforcement  
also attached: a copy of the Minister’s letter approving the formation of the new department 

As per the request of the Minister, we request that you form a new sub-department within your department for the Misuse of Muggle Artefacts, which will allow you complete freedom over the regulation and use of magic on Muggle items, as we foresee this problem will only increase with the increased contact between the Muggle and Wizarding worlds.

The first task the new Misuse of Muggle Artefacts Department needs to do is deal with the Muggle items involved in yesterday’s Audley Park incident.

Yours,  
Abigail Taylor  
Assistant to the Secretary of the Minister of Magic

* * *

_8.41 am_  
Ministry memorandum  
delivered from Department of Magical Law Enforcement to his friend in Department of Magical Games and Sports  
also attached: a copy of the Minister’s Secretary’s Assistant’s most recent letter concerning the new department 

have you ever SEEN something so out of the blue? Now I need to form a new department. I don’t have the time for this

* * *

_8.44 am_  
Ministry memorandum  
delivered from Department of Magical Law Enforcement to employee Warden, Michelle  
also attached: a copy of the Minister’s Secretary’s Assistant’s most recent letter concerning the new department 

Be informed that I am making you the head of the new Misuse of Muggle Artefacts Department, and will be assigning two interns to you from somewhere else in the Ministry.

You and the interns will be occupying Room 2F on the left side of the corridor. You will also be given the tables, chairs, lamps, and filing cabinet within the room.

Best of luck with your new department.

* * *

_8.45 am_  
letter written on nicked Ministry material  
delivered from Michelle Warden to her girlfriend at Quality Quidditch Supplies 

i think i just got promoted??


	2. Chapter 2

_several years later_

* * *

Really and truly, Arthur would vow to himself later, the only reason he put up with the excited rants of his superiors was because it was his first day on the job, and it waiting for seven whole minutes in the Atrium for someone to come and pick him up had been a remarkably harrowing experience. The man who had eventually come to pick him up had apologised profusely though, and said something vague about ‘oh, you know how it is with these Ministry Departments’.

Arthur really did not know how it was with these Ministry departments, so he ventured a tentative, “Is it quite busy in the Misuse of Muggle Artefacts Department, sir?”

“Busy? What?” he asked, like he’d never heard of the notion before. “No, never,” he said finally, confusing Arthur even further. “Know much about us?” he asked eventually to break the increasingly awkward silence.

“Oh, yes,” Arthur said. This had been his first choice of department, after all. “It was founded in 1986, by Michelle Warden –”

“Yes, her,” the man interrupted hastily, and Arthur was growing increasingly uneasy with the fact that he hadn’t introduced himself, or even asked for Arthur’s name yet. “But don’t you dare mention her in front of Faust, he’s got a _serious_ case of hero-worship going on –”

“What?” Arthur asked as they entered the office.

“What _what_ ,” the man in the corner said. “I’m Faust, and that goober over there who probably forgot to introduce himself is Matthews. He does the practical things like go outside, and I do the paperwork and sometimes the cleaning.”

Matthews looked suitably embarrassed at the realisation that he hadn’t introduced himself, but Arthur was too distracted by his surroundings to properly notice. Or, more accurately, he was too distracted by his lack of surroundings. The office was small and damp, with a filing cabinet, two medium-sized desks and one small one, and the walls had somehow found enough space to support two bulletin boards, covered in pictures of Muggle artefacts.

“I’m afraid you might have an issue with the window,” Matthews said apologetically. Arthur looked around again, wondering if he’d missed something.

“Um, what window?”

“That’s the issue,” Matthews said sadly.

“Don’t mind the smell,” Faust said helpfully. “You get used to it by the third year or so.”

“That’s your desk,” Matthews told Arthur, indicating the smallest one. “Make yourself at home.”

“Have you told him about Michelle?” Faust asked Matthews, who closed his eyes briefly before answering.

“Yes, Faust, I have.”

“Too bad,” Faust decides, “he can learn about Michelle twice.”

“Michelle?” Arthur asks, because all he’d read about the founder of the department was that she’d solved a complicated case and then requested for a specific unit to be made to deal with the misuse of Muggle artefacts, because of the increased contact between the Muggle and Wizarding worlds in modern times.

“Michelle Warden is a goddess,” Faust said. “She _single-handedly_ solved _the_ most complicated case that the Department of Magical Law Enforcement has _ever_ seen, and she broke records by doing it in _less than three hours_. In fact, her total time was _two hours and fifty-three minutes_.”

“That’s very impressive,” Arthur said politely after a brief pause where in which both men looked at him expectantly.

“Damn right it is,” Faust agreed. “None of the other departments would take it, the dumbasses. They all reckoned that it wasn’t their division. They still do!” he said, with the most comically indignant expression on his face that Arthur has seen in a long time. “The end result involved exploding keys, colour changing socks, boiling kettles, shrinking shoes, and dragons in snow globes,” he said, with the air of having said this many times before. “Plus, she uncovered a criminal syndicate that stretched _all across England_. They had quite the imagination, you know,” he said almost wistfully. “They were plotting all sorts of wonderfully convoluted things – mustard mixed with cyanide, stabbings with illegally smuggled ivory tusks, motives like revenge and love or a woman, because women are always involved.”

“I see,” Arthur says, after another pause where he’s clearly expected to say something.

“This isn’t the time to moan about the shortcomings of England’s current criminal fraternity, Faust,” Matthews says. To Arthur, he says, “Faust used to work in the Auror Department –”

“The cases there were - are - damn boring,” Faust said. “Murder doesn't ever happen, and when it does the culprit nearly always confesses the next hour, claiming that it was an accident, and we can never prove otherwise. Or even worse, it never gets solved. Matthews can complain about my complaining all he wants, but I swear that the current criminal fraternity have no imagination at all.”

“He got so bored that he requested to be transferred here,” Matthews said.

“Because of Michelle Warden, to be sure,” Faust says. “When she finished with her case, she founded this department, was given a budget, the office, and two interns.”

“The two interns nobody wanted,” Matthews agreed a little bitterly. “Connors left for some department in Magical Sports and Games, and then she was replaced with Faust here.”

“Michelle Warden retired a while ago,” Faust said, sounding personally victimised by this choice, “but her reputation for loyalty, uprighteousness, fairness, and dignity remains untainted to this very day!” His voice had grown progressively higher during this rant, and he had mysteriously ended up standing on his chair with his fist in the air.

“Her reputation remains unchanged,” Matthews agreed, “but so have the desks, chairs, and wall paint, and believe me, all of those things could use a change.”

“ _Anyway_ ,” Faust said, glaring at Matthews for ruining his passionate spiel, “welcome to the Misuse of Muggle Artefacts Department. You’re never going to live up to the greatness of Michelle Warden, but you can have a good time trying.”


End file.
